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| DR ASHER LIPNER COALITION OF JEWISH ADVOCATES |
Purim and unmasking child molestation
Many of the websites that promote protection for children
and healing for survivors of sexual abuse (www.adkanenough.com,
www.jewishcommunitywatch.com, www.voicesofjustice.com, and
www.jewishparentsforsafeyeshivas.com) are pointing out that with all of the
drinking and the relaxation of rules and social structures on the holiday, now
is an especially important time to talk to children about personal safety. Unfortunately, many pedophiles celebrate by
taking advantage of the festivities to harm children. Children of all ages need to be reminded now
and regularly that nobody has the right to touch them in their private parts or
to force them to touch others’ private parts.
They need to know that whoever it is who attempts to do this or in any
way makes them feel uncomfortable, whether a family friend, a relative, a sibling,
a teacher a rebbe or even a parent, they should immediately run away and tell a
(safe) parent or trusted adult. They
need to be reassured that they will be heard, believed and protected.
Purim also contains a lesson for all of us about the
communal problem of child sexual abuse in the custom for people to dress up in
costumes and wear masks. One of the
reasons for the make believe is to remind us that so much of our lives are lived
behind the masks we wear so that others, and even we ourselves, cannot
recognize who we really are. A great
part of who we are and who the world is remains hidden.
Hashem’s name does not appear in the entire Megilla, and the
hint of the Purim story in the Torah comes from the Passuk that speaks of
Hester Panim, Hashem’s hiding His face from us, alluding to Ester. Hashem wears a mask to hide from us at times,
making life’s events seem as arbitrary and capricious as Haman’s lottery of
when to annihilate the Jews.
Our job, with the inspiration of the Purim celebration is to
see beyond the mask and to recognize that everything that happens in our lives
has a higher meaning and a hidden truth.
Finding Hashem and exposing his love for us is the purpose of the Jewish
people.
In the horrible epidemic of child sexual abuse that has been
allowed to plague our community for too long, we can clearly see that all of us
also wear masks that conceal our true feelings about this spiritual
holocaust. We need to be inspired by the
message of Purim to let our guard down and allow ourselves to be vulnerable to
knowing ourselves better so that we can come together to stop the terrible
damage.
Victims of abuse often wear masks of being happy and
successful in life, peaceful and strong.
Many grow up to be talented, creative people with a deep concern and
understanding of others and have great accomplishments. But underneath their masks, they often suffer
terribly in silence from feelings of shame and terror and a deep unending
loneliness.
Molesters, as well, are notoriously ingenious at creating
masks to hide their true intentions, playing the role of charming and dynamic
youth leaders and teachers, or trustworthy, religious family men. The façade of the sexual abusers masks their
inherently deceitful, manipulative and selfish nature, and their deviant and
dangerous desires and behaviors.
Teens who are “at risk” and who go “off the derech” can
appear to us as rebellious, oppositional and unreachable. In reality, they often feel betrayed and
abandoned by the adults who are supposed to protect them, leading to an
overwhelming sense of disillusionment and alienation.
Too many parents fool themselves by hiding behind a veneer
of security and safety, confident that our community is a perfectly safe place
in which to raise children. If they
would allow themselves to open their eyes and ears to what is happening in
their shuls, schools, camps and neighborhoods, they would be shocked and
frightened at their helplessness to completely protect their families from
abuse in the community.
Many rabbanim and askanim, community organizations and
newspapers express compassion and seriousness about tackling the problem of
molestation. Their many private meetings
and few public pronouncements belie their true state of mind – a confused
passivity, born of anxious concern for the community’s image - a paralysis that
protects only the molesters, never the children.
Advocates for children and for victims of abuse often appear
as angry people, filled with righteous indignation, cynical about the “powers
that be” and hysterically bent on exposing the evil that lurks in our
midst. What is not as readily seen by
the casual observer is the deep-down devastation they experience, and the
never-ending hope and yearning, in spite of it all, for the Jewish people to
wake up and confront the issue of child abuse once and for all.
The identity confusion that can be caused by wearing masks
is also alluded to in the Purim custom of drinking until we are too intoxicated
to know the difference between Arur Haman and Baruch Mordechai. Even drunks can
know the difference between a blessing and a curse, but because we hide our
true natures, it is often easy to confuse people’s identities, including our
very own.
When is it that we are we denying who we truly are, like the
Jews who celebrated at King Achashverosh’s party and pretended they belonged there
and all was well? And when are we being
courageous and brave like Queen Ester, who revealed her true identity and
Haman’s true colors, risking it all to save her people? Will the real Mordechai and the real Haman
please stand up?
Hiding our true selves behind masks is our attempt to
protect ourselves from challenge and conflict.
But it actually creates division, turning the “Am Echad” into a people
who are “Mefuzar and Meforad”. The revelation of truth by Mordechai and
Esther, in which “Vnahapoch Hu”, everything was turned upside down and inside
out, brought salvation and healing for every single Jewish, man, woman and
child. And it inspired a newfound
communal unity and connection to Hashem, to Torah and to each other.
Layehudim Haysa Orah V’Simcha V’Sason V’Ykar.
The Jewish people rejoiced
in the revelation of the truth about who they really are.
Keyn Tihye Lanu.
Dr.
Asher Lipner, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in Flatbush who works
with survivors of traumatic abuse and child moles and co-chair coalition of jewish advocates
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